Hey There Monster What’s Your Sign?

Back in 2011 I wrote a very well received article about a
humorous new book called “Sad Monsters: Growling on the
Outside, Crying on the Inside” which deals with depression in
movie monsters and cryptids. Upon reading said article one of
my true-blue fans (yes, I’m talking about you Hollie Heimbecker
Ransom) suggested that I look a little deeper into why monsters
are monsters and depressed ones at that. Hollie suggested that
astrology may hold the answers to just why these creatures act
and feel as they do.

Interesting idea!

Just one problem, to accurately get a reading from the stars you
need to use a birthday. Do movie monsters have a birthday? No,
not as such.

I then began to ponder just how to get around that tiny little detail. Ideally the day that a monster was first conceived, that is to
say, first imagined, sketched, or brought to a movie studios attention would be ideal, but who the hell knows when that was.
Instead I have opted to use the release date from the first movie any given monster appeared in.There is a lot that goes into astrology in regards to personality and behavior, way too much for me to post about here. To get
right to the point I’m only going to list the attributes on the darker side. The stuff that makes monsters monstrous.I know that there are hundreds if not thousands of cinematic creatures out there so I’m only going to touch on the six most
popular.

Godzilla (November 3, 1954) – Scorpio

 

“…charismatic “twice-born” characters such as they can sink into the extremes of depravity if they take the wrong path, and the
intensity of their nature exaggerates their harmful tendencies into vices far greater than the normal.Rebelliousness against all conventions, political extremism to the point where hatred of the Establishment makes them utterly
unscrupulous terrorists. Brooding resentment, aggressive and sadistic brutality, total arrogance, morbid jealousy, extreme
volatility of temperament, these are some of their vices..”

Duh…um he loves to stomp cities flat and kicks the crap out of any other critter who wanders into his turf!

“…Mentally Arians are intellectual and objective, but can be in
rare situations bigoted and extremist in religion and politics. They
are good champions of lost causes and last-ditch resistance. They
are quick-witted but sometimes foolhardy and over optimistic,
lacking thoroughness and the ability to evaluate difficulties in the
undertakings into which they often rush impulsively. The great
need of Aries natives is to exercise an iron self-control, to
discipline the qualities and tendencies of their character to the
advantage, not the detriment, of the society in which they move.”

Kong …. impulsive? Nah, he just grabbed a girl and shimmied up
the first building he could find.

Ah, but Kong is also a lover!

“..In your personal relationships Arians are frank, direct and
candid, and make enthusiastic and generous friends. You are
liable to have a high sex drive and make passionate but fastidious
lovers. There is, however, a negative side to your associations
with other people. You can easily be irritated by slowness or
moderation in your companions…”

Ann Darrow was taking too long so he kidnapped her!

The sign of the fish … are you kidding me?“… Their natures tend to be too otherworldly for the practical
purposes of living in this world as it is. They sometimes exist
emotionally rather than rationally, instinctively more than
intellectually (depending on how they are aspected). They long to
be recognized as greatly creative. They also dislike disciple and
confinement. The nine-to-five life is not for them. Any rebellion
they make against convention is personal, however, as they often
times do not have the energy or motivation to battle against the
Establishment.”

Hence the reason why he lived alone in the swamp.

“…The vices to which Sagittarians are prone are anger they tend
to flare up over trifles; impatience – they want to rush every new
project through immediately and demand too much of colleagues
who cannot work at the pace they require; and scorn of the
inadequacies of others while expecting fulsome recognition of
their own efforts. They may in one sense deserve recognition,
because in completing a major project they will sacrifice their
health and family relationships; in their family’s eyes they may
merit condemnation.They can be exacting, domineering and inconsiderate in the work
place; and boastful, vulgar and extravagant in their private lives.
Their restlessness, if excessive, can jeopardize more than their
own stability. some Sagittarians risk becoming playboys, wasting
their lives away in frivolous pursuits. Others can develop a
moralizing, religious fanaticism or else turn into hypocrites, their
inner prudishness disguised by an outward appearance of
joviality. Another side of the religiosity which is a danger in
Sagittarians is superstition.”

Every full moon he turns into an animal chasing chicks and killing
gypsies. Superstitious … oh yeah! If he sees a pentagram in
someone’s palm he goes nuts!

“…Scorpios are the most intense, profound, powerful characters
in the zodiac. Even when they appear self-controlled and calm
there is a seething intensity of emotional energy under the placid
exterior. They are like the volcano not far under the surface of a
calm sea, it may burst into eruption at any moment. But those of
us who are particularly perceptive will be aware of the harnessed
aggression, the immense forcefulness, magnetic intensity, and
often strangely hypnotic personality under the tranquil, but
watchful composure of Scorpio. In conventional social gatherings
they are pleasant to be with, thoughtful in conversation, dignified,
and reserved, yet affable and courteous; they sometimes possess
penetrating eyes which make their shyer companions feel naked
and defenseless before them.”

Yep good old Frankie was always calm on the outside but ya
always knew something was brewing under the surface.

 

“…the faults to which they are liable are fanatical eccentricity,
wayward egotism, excessive detachment and an inclination to
retreat from life and society, and a tendency to be extremely
dogmatic in their opinions. Aquarians can be a threat to all they
survey or a great boon for humanity in general. Circumstances –
for example, continuous opposition to a cause they hold dear –
may cause the atrophy of the openness of mind that is one of the
Aquarian’s most attractive traits. They may express a lack of
integrity in broken promises, secretiveness or cunning. Simmering
anger and resentment, rudeness or, worse, a tense, threatening
silence which may suddenly burst out in eruptions of extreme
temper, these are all part of the negative side of the Aquarian.
This can also reveal itself in a sustained hatred for enemies that is
capable of enlarging itself into a misanthropy toward the whole of
mankind.”

An eccentric egomaniac that shuns society that only emerges to
feast on the living. Sounds like a vampire to me!